and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
