He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
