i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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