you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
