No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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