I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just high enough for therapy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
