I will die if light touches me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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