i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
