I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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