i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think my fart just growled at me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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