Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
