the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
