i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
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If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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