He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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