I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
