I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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