Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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