It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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