dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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