i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
