If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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