FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
