You smell like a Billy Joel song
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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