matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
