it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
