Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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