My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
