You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
