she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
