I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
