Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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