True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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