ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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