Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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