I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
