her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
