I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
