After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
