She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
