Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
