He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
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thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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