Im at strip club and am horny
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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