I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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