Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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