Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
