If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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