dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
