is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
