After last night, I could never be a politician.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
