I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
