I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
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I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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