I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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