Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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