Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
