So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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