I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
