Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
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you told grandpa to call you daddy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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