I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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